Thursday night, a strange sense of peace and happiness surrounded her. Finally free, nothing to lose, nothing to gain, no one to take care of…finally free. She didn’t feel particularly depressed, particularly angry, particularly anything and because nothing in particular, she decided it was her time to go.
It was going to be Friday night. She hated Fridays. There were the longest days and loneliest of nights. She tried to participate in happy hours and drunken karaoke contests, but it wasn’t her thing and she always felt like an alien around too many people. Also, being practical, no one will miss her until Monday or Tuesday, and she thought that everyone that knew her deserved a decent weekend.
There wasn’t’ nothing to think about, so no second thoughts. There will be no soul searching. There will be no last sunset, not a last cigarette. Specially, and most importantly, there will be no goodbye notes or letters. She felt that it was unfair and inconsiderate making people feel guilty because they didn’t do this or because they felt that they didn’t note the signs or all that shit that appears in “how to prevent that your basket case friend shoot, hang, or cut her veins” pamphlets or after school specials. First of all, she wasn’t a basket case, maybe a little bit on the “I wash my hands twelve thousand times a day and flush the toilet seven times every time I use it” side, but still functional. Second, there’s no need to involve anyone else. Third, she didn’t have a gun, hanging implied too much work and she didn’t want to cut up her veins because it will be too messy. Sleeping pills. Before she knew it, she’ll be on the other side, whatever that might be. Smooth and simple.
She didn’t sleep that night, but she wasn’t strange to that. That was her third night in a row. At 3:00 a.m., she took a bath, had two boiled eggs for breakfast, washed her teeth, did the daily routine of makeup, trying to match her underwear (she always thought that unmatched underwear should be a crime) put on jeans, blouse and shoes, packed a bottle of sleeping pills in her purse and drove to work.
She arrived at 5:55 a.m., sat on her desk and wrote the first five useless letters of the day. She find them useless because first, that wasn’t her job but she had to do it because nobody else will, second because she knew that nobody will read those letters and they will end in a recycle bin that nobody will take the trouble of empty. She smoke, make other useless letters, filed some documents and, at 8:35 a.m. she answered a lot of calls with the same answer “I don’t have it, and I don’t know when it will be finished, that is another division”. Isn’t bureaucracy a wonderful thing?
She didn’t want anyone to notice anything odd about her that day, so she smoked, as she always did, with her friends, had lunch, laughed like crazy over dirty jokes, smoked again and make inappropriate comments on the elevator (for some reason her best and dirties jokes came the moment she enters it). She didn’t want to think about anything, so she got as busy as possible making more letters, filing more papers and when she looked at the clock it was finally 4:00 p.m.
That was the hardest moment of that day. She said to her friend “See you on Monday” when her husband, also a good friend, came to pick her up. She didn’t want to lie, but she did.
She wanted to tell her that she was sorry about the other day. She wanted to say how much she cared about both of them, how much, she loved them. She wanted to say that nothing will change what she was about to do; that the decision was hers, that it had nothing to do with them or anybody; that she was tired and she didn’t have anything to give to anyone anymore. Instead, she just waved goodbye and watched as they drove away, disappearing in the distance.
According to her plan, she wasn’t allowed to think, so she went to the mall and walked until 7:00 p.m. At last, it was dark outside. She drove to the beach. She leaved everything in the car, except the pills and a bottle of water. She took her shoes off and walked. There was no moon, but the light of the streets make up for it, illuminating the water. It look beautiful. She walked until she could feel the cold water between her toes, closed her eyes and stood there for a little while, hearing the sound of the breaking waves and tasting the salty wind that she loved so much. She took a deep breath.
Then, she opened the bottle of water and took the first ten pills. She waited because she felt nauseous. There was no going back, so she took the next five, then ten more, then the final ten.
Dizzy and with all her defenses down, Reason finally took hold and shove the “no thinking rule” out of the way.
-“What are you doing?”
-“Shut up, you are not supposed to be here”
-“…but here I am and, again, what are you doing, you idiot?”
-“You know what I’m doing and why”
-“That’s it, I don’t understand the why part”
-“I want out, no more guilt over everything, no more silence,no more nothing, especially no more you, reminding me of everything every fucking day”
-“Do not throw that shit on me, I’m Reason, not Memory”
-“Shut the hell up! I just took thirty five sleeping pills. I’m doing this and that’s it that”
-“Why you think this is so simple?”
Then, and contrary to her expectations, her heart started to beat faster than ever. Her thoughts were racing in her head so bad that she was beating it trying to get them out, until finally one coherent and clear thought came through: It wasn’t as simple as she believed it would be.
She will cause suffering, because she was loved.
She will cause guilt, because everyone will think they didn’t do enough.
She will cause anger, because she thought she’s thinking about everyone, but she wasn’t.
She will be everything that she wanted to avoid.
Nobody will believe that she loved someone enough to stick around. She wanted to be just a remote memory that eventually fades out, but she’ll be a constant reminder of something that could have been but chose not to.
Reason was right, there’s always something. That something was that nobody will understand her reasons, because nobody will know the reasons, because there was no real reason.
-“I can’t do this, right?”
-“No, you can’t, and don’t panic, you’ll be fine”
Then, she shoved her fingers down to her throat trying to throw up, but she couldn’t.
-“You have a beach in front of you, drink the water and, I guarantee, you’ll throw your guts out. Kind of obvious, isn’t it?”
As soon as she started to drink the water, she started to throw up. She wasn’t sure if everything was flushing out. She thought it was too late, because everything went black…
– “Hey, wake up! Oh my God, you look and smell disgusting!
She did wake up; she tasted salt, sand and vomit in her mouth. In fact, she was covered in it. The sun was rising. Her head was pounding as she was struggling to get up.
She opened the trunk of her car and found her cigarettes. As she was smoking, she started to laugh.
There she was, the one who said there will be no last sunset and no a last cigarette, watching the wonderful light of dawn, smoking one. You got to love the ironies of life.
-“Why do I do know?”
-“Go home, take a long shower and get some sleep”
-“Then what?”
-“Change”
The Broken Mirror 