The Truth of Things

It’s been a long time since my last post. Truth is that I’ve been some goods  and bad things last year and I haven’t been able to write. Nothing was coming out of my head. I plan to write often. Promise…to my fans. Somewhere there has to be one.

I don’t know to say .this, the word is scary to me now. There we go: Suicide. Yes, I had the intention of killing myself two weeks ago.  I remember that day, at least most of it.

At the beginning…,

There was  no preparation, or intention that day. It was a normal day, like any other.  I was going to various Doctor Office’s trying to get one that could do an MRI and other studies and everyday was the same: “We are sorry, but we don’t do that”.  One day, I just lost it.

It felt like everything was the same color and you have to run out of there. I could not breath. Then, the feeling and paranoia go away and I was exhausted. I just wanted to sleep.

I ran home, and took my first eight pills of  klonopin and then, seemed like a good idea at the time, taking some Relagesic and some Desyrel. I vomited some. The truth:  I was lying to myself.  I accept that the real intention was to die. I just thought at the time, my first story. really I got scared and with my blurred vision I managed to call 911.

And at the hospital in one minute or less…

To make this short, because all hospitals are the same, I did a list of the points of this story that are important, at least to me.

-On the way to the hospital. I got  bitchy there. That guy insisted that I give him information. All I did was drool and say go away, no more questions!.

-The Dr., or whoever was in charge, ordered to put a device in my nose that would wash my stomach (I don’t remember the proper name in English).

-I was in observation for two days.

-The hospital transferred me to the psych guard in another hospital.

-I had a 5 minute call a day. I divided the minutes so I can call my mom and friends.

-The food was terrible.

-two guys fought each other.

-I cried every night until I go to sleep.

-I cried because I was ashamed of what I did.

-I cried because thinking in just me, hurted love ones.

-I cried because I wish it was an accident.

-I saw the shrink two times and let me go home

The Aftermath

Nothing good came out of this. There we go with another list.

-I was selfish. Didn’t think of anyone but myself.

-I hurt people I really love.

-I lost almost everything I work so hard for.

-I still cry

-I almost became an statistic

So, my advice is don’t do this. Don’t kill yourself.  If you don’t die you will loose and if you die you loose even more. . Just imagine, if you are in pain, imagine the pain that the people who loves you who care about you would feel.

-If you can’t get what you want or need. There will always be another day.

-Go to a place you haven’t seen.

-Get involve in activities, anyone

-There always someone to talk.  If it is a good friend he/her will be with you.

-There are always options rather to take the easy way. The truth of things is that I consider myself a coward because of a what I did. And I have no excuse for it.

-You are not alone.